Okay so after everything this may be pointless but I need to say it all to feel better.
So all of our problems began with me never telling you I slept with him prior to you and I getting together this time. I fucked up. I shouldn’t of lied and yes I should of told you, I’m truly sorry for that. Me wanting to be friends with Maria though, you shouldn’t of had any bearing on the friendship I tried to mentain with her while we were together. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you have to be cut off from the world. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with the girls you want to be friends with- if Maria were a guy I would of totally understood, but she infact is a female. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you can’t go to the gym because it will “cut into our time.” Being in a relationship shouldn’t mean you have to lose yourself.
Every fight we would have you would ask what I’ve given for the relationship, I gave up everything I had just to try and make it work with you. I moved in with you, I didn’t always talk to or see the friends I wanted too, I couldn’t even go down the block and see my sister without you texting me constantly. I wish now I could ask you what you gave for our relationship, because I gave up my life….you gave up nothing. Your life didn’t change at all having me as a girlfriend.
I felt like you talked down to me a lot…every day I was this terrible liar when all I wanted to do was try and mentain my life outside of you. I didn’t want you to think of me that way, but we both know regardless of how much you wanted me to always be honest with you, hearing this would of broke your heart. I couldn’t tell you this, I didn’t want to break your heart so instead I let my heart break everyday. I put up with being screamed at like I was a child, being told these things like I don’t care about you and how I was out to hurt you. I wasn’t. All I wanted to do was be the person you wanted me to be, I wanted this to work with you this time.
We had plans, so often we would talk about our future and the kids we wanted to have, and how we’d be married and happy forever. We wore rings on our left ring finger, I was yours completely and undoubtedly.
You know of my past, all of the terrible tragity that has taken over my life…you accepted me, your whole family accepted me. The parents I lost; I found in your family, the grandparents that died too early for me to remember, I found in your family. The kind of family I’ve always wanted, the big family full of love and happiness and memories, I had with you.
I wish you could see this, and I wish you could understand my pain. I miss you, I feel so alone, I hate this time of year and I just want you to hold me and kiss my forehead and dry all the tears that I’m going to cry because now that I don’t have you again, I have to get through these difficult dates on my own and I’m so sick of having to do all the difficult stuff without you. You always say how you wish you could of been there, be there. Help me. I need you.
Will you please fucking talk to me? I don’t know what I did to make you not want to talk to me. I apologized for fucking up the other day, & I wanted to talk about that. I want you to understand how terrified I am of losing you. Every single time you’re in my life, you walk away. I’m sorry that I think everything negative that you post is about me, but you have to understand why I do…I feel like after everything we’ve been through I would be the only one that they would be about. I don’t feel like I’m important enough to you for you to keep me around, because now it’s obvious to me that you won’t. We haven’t spoken in days, and believe me it’s not that I haven’t tried. You’re blatantly ignoring me, & I’ve done nothing to deserve that. All I’ve done is cared about you. All I’ve ever done is cared about you.You would think after the five years I’ve spent waiting around you’d get that.
It’s obvious I’m not worth it, I’m not worth anything. I don’t even get a “fuck you, I don’t like you, don’t talk to me.”
Anything would be better than being ignored.
Today I learned that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. But sometimes, people should keep their opinions to themselves, because if I wanted to hear an asshole speak, I’d fart.
So this month I get to deal with my mom’s first birthday without her, and my second father’s day without him. Gotta love it. I hate this. Everything has just been pissing me off so much lately. I need to go out, I need to have a good time, and I need to laugh. Too bad I only have like one friend now who actually cares about me and doesn’t drive me up a wall.
I never would of thought two years ago that I am where I am today. I never thought I’d have to live life without both of my parents, I never thought I wouldn’t be attending a physical school; I used to be so close with so many different people….now everything is different. My parents are gone, I attend online school, and I have like one friend. It’s crazy how much things can change, no matter how much effort you put into keeping things the same. I’m trying to do what’s right for me, & I guess somewhere along the way I lost people, I lost time, I lost some of the things that meant everything to me. But I’m trying, I’m putting my best foot forward, and I’m trying to better myself. I’m doing what I feel is right for me. Yes, I miss what I had two years ago, but with all these curve balls my life has thrown me….I feel like I’m handling it pretty good, far better than I ever would of expected, I never knew I was this strong, I never knew I had this much in me.
I love going to the gym.
What I will never even begin to understand is how someone can sit there and bitch about their parents….to someone who’s lost both of her parents.
You only get one pair of parents. That’s it. Love them while you can because you never know what’ll happen tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn’t come for everybody, and I realized that too late. I hate that I only realized how much I love my mom and my dad while I was watching them wilt away to nothing on their deathbeds.
Cherish them while you have them because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Trust me, you WILL realize how much you love them eventually, and sometimes eventually is too late.
To me, hearing that I’m beautiful means that you’re looking at my personality and my appearance.
Hearing that I’m hot or sexy means that you’re looking solely at my appearance.
I’d rather be valued for my appearance rather than for just how I look.